Medically Reviewed By Eva Shepard, MLADC, LCMHC
Most families who reach out to us have already tried. They’ve had the talk at the kitchen table, more than once. They’ve cried, they’ve yelled, they’ve made deals, and they’ve sent long texts at two in the morning, but the answer keeps coming back the same: I’m fine. I’ve got this handled. Stop worrying about me.
So they ask us the question that sits underneath all of it. Is there anything I can actually do if they don’t want help?
The honest answer is yes, even though it probably won’t look the way you’re picturing it. We’ve seen a lot of families in Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Vermont go from feeling completely stuck to watching a loved one walk into treatment, and it almost never happened because of one big confrontation. It happened slowly, through a whole bunch of small changes at home.
Forget About “Rock Bottom”
You’ve probably heard that nothing changes until someone hits rock bottom. People still say it, and we get why. It gives the situation a kind of logic to hold onto, but it also tells families to sit on their hands while things get worse, and with fentanyl showing up in so much of the drug supply, rock bottom can turn out to be fatal.
You don’t have to wait for that. You have more influence over the person you love than you probably realize, simply because you’re in their life every day. What matters is how you use it.
CRAFT Helps People Support Their Loved Ones
The approach with the strongest track record is called CRAFT, which stands for Community Reinforcement and Family Training. The idea surprises people at first because the program isn’t aimed at the person using. It’s aimed at you. Family members learn to talk in ways that don’t turn into a fight, to make sober time feel better than using time, to stop rescuing, and to notice the moments when their loved one might actually be open to a conversation.
It works more often than most people would guess. The American Psychological Association’s Monitor on Psychology covered a study where 62 percent of people whose family members finished CRAFT went into treatment. For families who went the Al Anon or Nar Anon route instead, it was 37 percent. Other studies mentioned in the same article put the number between 64 and 74 percent.
A 2024 paper available through the National Library of Medicine found something similar. It points to an earlier review showing CRAFT got about twice as many people into treatment as the alternatives, including the surprise intervention style you’ve seen on television. When families worked one-on-one with a counselor, most studies saw treatment entry above 60 percent.
How To Talk To A Family Member About Addiction Treatment
Reading about it is one thing. Doing it when your son comes home at midnight and has been using is something else entirely.
Start with how you talk. When we’re scared, we lecture. We bring up every broken promise from the past three years. That’s human, but it puts the other person on the defensive, and once they’re defending their use, nobody is really listening. Try talking about what you felt instead of what they did. “I was up all night worrying about you” lands better than “You’re a mess.” Keep it short. Wait until they’re sober. You’re not trying to win anything. You’re trying to keep them talking to you.
Pay attention to the good days too. If your daughter shows up for Sunday dinner clear-headed and in a decent mood, enjoy it with her and let her see that you noticed. Ask her to come along for things she used to love, whether that’s a hike up Monadnock, a Sox game, or a morning out on the lake. When sober life feels good and connected, she’ll start to notice the difference on her own. You won’t have to point it out.
The hardest part for most parents and spouses is stopping the rescues. Calling their boss to say they’re sick. Covering the fine. Cleaning up the mess before the neighbors see it. It all comes from love, but it also removes the discomfort that might eventually make them think twice. Letting consequences happen isn’t punishment; it just means you’re no longer paying the bill for their addiction. The one thing we’ll say clearly is that safety is different. If it’s a medical emergency, you always step in.
And be ready. Motivation to change goes up and down, and it usually spikes right after something bad happens. An arrest, a frightening night, a breakup, a health scare. If they ever say something like “I can’t keep living like this,” that’s your opening to discuss addiction treatment. Figure out ahead of time which program you’d call, what your insurance covers, and how quickly they can get someone in. There’s a big difference between “I’ll look into it” and “I already called, and they can see you tomorrow morning.”
You Need Support Too
Living with someone’s addiction grinds people down in ways that friends outside the family don’t always see. The worry, the anger, the guilt, the sleepless nights. A lot of the parents and partners we talk with haven’t taken proper care of themselves in years.
The SAMHSA family support guide encourages family members to look after their own well-being and to find people they can lean on. You can’t keep showing up for someone if you’re running on empty. One thing that stands out in the CRAFT research is that family members who went through the program tended to feel less anxious and depressed, even before their loved one entered addiction treatment. So getting help for yourself isn’t a distraction from helping them. It’s part of helping them.
Boundaries Without Threats
There’s a real difference between a threat and a boundary. A threat comes out in the heat of an argument, and everyone in the house knows you probably won’t follow through. A boundary is calm; it’s clear, and you stick to it every single time.
“I’m not going to give you cash, but I’ll drive you to an appointment whenever you want” is a boundary. So is “I’m not okay with drugs in this house, so if you use here, you’ll need to sleep somewhere else tonight.”
Think your boundaries through before you enforce them. If you can, get the rest of the family saying the same thing so your loved one hears one message instead of five. Boundaries protect your home, your money, and anyone else living there. They also make something very clear. You love the person, and you’re not going to help the addiction.
When Addiction Treatment & Intervention Can’t Wait
Some situations aren’t about patience. If your loved one won’t wake up, is breathing strangely, or looks like they may be overdosing, call 911. If you have Narcan, use it and stay with them until help arrives. You can get Narcan without a prescription at pharmacies in Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Vermont, and honestly, every family dealing with opioids should have some in the house.
If they talk about wanting to die or about hurting themselves, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Families in Massachusetts sometimes ask us about Section 35, which allows a court to order someone into treatment when their substance use puts them at serious risk. It’s a real option, but it’s a serious one, and the rules are different in every state. Talk it through with a professional or an attorney before you head down that road.
Let Us Help You Take the Next Step
Watching someone you love keep saying no is exhausting, and you don’t have to do it alone. Here at Mountain View Retreat in Marlborough, New Hampshire, we work with families across New England every day, whether the person struggling is ready for help or nowhere close.
Call us today or reach out through our contact page, and we’ll take the time to listen. We’ll walk you through what’s available, answer your questions, and help you put a plan in place for the moment your loved one says yes. You can be part of their recovery long before they ever walk through our door.
This article is meant to educate and isn’t a replacement for medical or clinical advice. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.